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First blog post! 

Hi, I actually am not expecting anyone to read this really… I need a place to put my thoughts so the ‘bad’ thoughts stop affecting my relationship..

So here goes…

I am 30 something and engaged to be married to a brilliant and wonderful man … he is not brilliant and wonderful everyday but most days he is much better at the relationship stuff than I am.

I have never really thought I had a mental health condition exactly but I do suffer anxiety about my relationship and myself… I would say I definitely have low self esteem, not just about how I look but also about who I am and how I am as a ‘wife’.

I met B on tinder.. I don’t tell people that.. I am embarrassed that I felt so lonely that I had to turn to an app to help me meet someone.. thankfully B was the first and only person I met and 18 months later I am engaged and looking forward to our life together.

I am writing this blog in the hope that some of the mad things that get into my head can be put here and I can see how mad they lookand get over them. B calls it ‘getting in my head’; I do this a lot and generally speaking all of the issues we have had have been either caused or made worse by me over thinking and guess what B is feeling or thinking or is about to do and getting it seriously wrong! Don’t get me wrong, B can be immature and a bit selfish at times … I am not to blame for everything! I just need to deal with my head better instead of causing my own issues. Maybe this will help and maybe it won’t but it is worth a try.. 

In saying all of this, we both believe that we have a good relationship – we agree fundamentally on key issues and we are working hard towards a shared future. We are supportive of each other’s achievements and failures and we value open and honest communication in all things. I can honestly say this is the best relationship I have ever had and that B always listens and tries to help when my head is playing up. I on the other hand can make things pretty terrible when the circumstances all contribute for a bad head day (or week!). 

I have started this today in the wake of an argument that happened on Friday night – now the whole thing was over and done with Saturday morning and this row is only the 3rd we have had in our entire relationship. I am not saying we don’t disagree, we do… generally though these are silly tiffs that are over and done with in an hour or so. When we have argued it has been serious, like make or break (except it isn’t make or break… that is only in my head because B is has never felt like that and makes it clear even when we have argued that he isn’t going anywhere!) I think a lot of last weeks issues were compounded; B has been out of work for a few months which has been difficult financially but great from the point of view of spending time together. Last week B started back in a job doing night shifts which is well paid and is going to sort out a lot of our financial difficulties accrued during this period but will mean we have a lot less time together. 

I am going to get quite personal now … not descriptive but certainly more that you might want to know! I understand if you don’t want to read further… 

We have a very healthy sex life .. I feel having been in previous relationships where that hasn’t been the case; this is one of the things that works for us. Also, I would admit to having a higher than average sex drive (B has too so mostly this is all good). Lately however, things have cooled a bit in this area and it is one of the main bugs that get my head going. With the introduction of night shifts last week this became even more of an issue for me and I believe this was the major contributor to the argument.

So, we had a stupid argument about something pointless that would usually have been laughed about minutes later but because of the stress of the week and the lack of intimacy we ended up in a huge row where I am bringing up his ex girlfriend and being completely stupid. Now as I said; I am the one who throws in that I am leaving him at this point and he is the one standing looking at me and saying that I won’t be leaving and this argument will all be over as soon as I come over and kiss him. How can you not love that! 

We have a discussion then (following a kiss, mutual apologies and a tickle because B believes that is how I get rid of my mood).. we maturely consider and review the reasons for the argument, we look at the fact that intimacy has been less and we agree a plan for this week.

I get how lucky I am … I am in the phone to my sister sometimes and she tells me about her soon to be ex husband and how he doesn’t do anything in the house, is emotionally cut off and generally just likes to make things difficult for her and I kick myself… B is none of those things to me. He is there for me and no matter how much my head is being awful, he listens and desperately tries to help (even when I am telling him that he has caused my upset – like because he is a man and I sometimes catch him looking at other girls .. god does he try hard now to not do this!).

Well I have to say, bizarrely this has helped me already because I can already see what I am doing wrong… I am probably going to update every few days and I will include other things that are happening in our lives but I hope you didn’t find this too boring. I get that the whole thing sounds pretty self involved but that is my purpose in writing this blog..

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Last day… last post…


So this is my last post … i am sad to say that my worst fears have been realised and I am staring down 2 years alone until B is Home again. 

My life has literally ended today but I have to be as strong as I can be and carry on… I have to make new plans and new dreams but I can’t tonight or maybe even tomorrow…

Day 1…


… this is how my head feels today… my body is shaking uncontrollably and I can’t help but feel like the only outcome is the worst one.

Family are being unbelievably supportive but waiting for the first phone call and my tummy is in jitters and my heart is fluttering. 

I have prayed and prayed but I cannot find any relief … could I ask anyone reading this that if you pray, could you add us to your prayers this week. I promise that we are so undeserving of this terrible reality and the possible outcome. 

How far I have come (how much I have to lose)…


… weeks ago now I reflected on how far I had come in my life since 2014 when literally everything fell apart. It was a good and positive reflection on how much it took personally to get through some of the falls in that year. 

I felt so proud of myself having achieved a better living and working environment… it was hubris and I see that now… I basically gave the universe cause to show me how quick I can be knocked down again and how far. 

Today we had a set back even before the horribleness of next week. In dealing with preparatory issues it has become clear that there is a lot of negative and not much positive in the situation and there is a higher than 50% chance of losing the life I know now. 

I get that life is a winding road and that you do indeed get knocked down from time to time but I genuinely feel like every few years I get steamrolled… flat … like nothing is the same and I have to rebuild all over again. In gaining so much in the past 3 years, it makes me realise now that I have a life I literally never thought I would again… I have happiness and next week it could be taken from me through no fault or action of my own. 

How many times can you honestly get knocked down before you stop rebuilding, before giving up and giving in become easier and more acceptable? There is so much I had planned to achieve in the next year… so many dreams that I wanted to realise … all just on the cusp of going up in smoke. They say ‘get knocked down 10 times and get up 11’… what if I am just not capable of getting up this time? What if I have finally lost more than I am able to lose and continue onwards? 

Sleep is for winners…


… and right now I couldn’t be more of a loser! 

I am sorry in advance if this post comes off as a rant or whatever but I am so upset and frustrated by my lack of sleep…

I get that I am stressed but absolutely nothing is helping me right now and lack of sleep is seriously starting to affect the rest of my life. I am too tired to do almost anything, I am going to work and getting through my day like a zombie. I should be studying as well and have a dissertation to submit in like 6 months but have barely started. 

I have tried medication, I have tried routines, I have tried getting out of bed, doing housework, getting into bed tired (obviously!), no phones, sleep sounds… everything!! 

It has gotten to the point tonight where I am thinking I need help but what is the point? I don’t have the time to go to the doctor, I don’t have time to be off sick with the chest infection I have had for 2 weeks. I am simply existing right now and it has become a painful existence.

I know the stress of next week is impacting me and I am completely sad that this has been another negative post. I look over my posts and can’t remember feeling light or happy. I use this space to get the things out of my head so that they don’t come out of my mouth. It is great to feel like I am totally free to say my worst… I just wish I could also share my best 😦 

Busy busy busy …


It has been 6 days since my last post and I have been so incredibly busy plus fielding a cold/flu…

Work has been challenging but also good because there have been positives and negatives and I sort of feel like I am on top of a lot of things. There is still a nagging self-doubt but I am doing my best to keep going in spite of it! 

Home too has been busy but in a good way with us both making a lot of effort to try and sort out our house. B has worked especially hard and things are back to normal.

We had an argument this morning from a bit of a misunderstanding but thankfully it blew over… I wish we hadn’t had to argue to be honest because I am feeling a bit sensitive and I really struggled to let the issue go but all’s well that ends well.

B and I have managed to have a lot of time together in between the latest shift pattern so that is working for us…

The looming October issue is only about 11 days away now and it is frightening us both .. it genuinely frightened me to hear B say he was scared. We will be okay and we will be pushing forward together through this period… I can only pray for a positive outcome. 

October…


October … sweet autumn colours and the start of the colder weather… I have always loved it. The colour, the smell and the Halloween fun. 

Both my mum and Dad were born in October (2 weeks apart) and although my dad died a few years ago… we still are at the stage when we celebrate his birthday. Dad, like Mum, would have been 60 this year. I remember taking him out for his 50th… it was a weird step out of time sort of day, unlike any we spent before or after. It is though, an amazing memory.

This October has been marred, changed forever by the impending doom of what is to come to us this month. Like a sceptre, each day is clouded by what is coming and it it so scary and so consuming. I pray that we are, successful is not the right word but I can’t make anything else fit… so I pray that we are successful and that at the end of the month we can begin to rebuild around our lives. 

All of my waking thoughts are consumed by how we become successful and in opposition … terrifyingly, how we continue to live if we are not. It is often, like now, too hard to imagine that scenario.