Hi, I actually am not expecting anyone to read this really… I need a place to put my thoughts so the ‘bad’ thoughts stop affecting my relationship..
So here goes…
I am 30 something and engaged to be married to a brilliant and wonderful man … he is not brilliant and wonderful everyday but most days he is much better at the relationship stuff than I am.
I have never really thought I had a mental health condition exactly but I do suffer anxiety about my relationship and myself… I would say I definitely have low self esteem, not just about how I look but also about who I am and how I am as a ‘wife’.
I met B on tinder.. I don’t tell people that.. I am embarrassed that I felt so lonely that I had to turn to an app to help me meet someone.. thankfully B was the first and only person I met and 18 months later I am engaged and looking forward to our life together.
I am writing this blog in the hope that some of the mad things that get into my head can be put here and I can see how mad they lookand get over them. B calls it ‘getting in my head’; I do this a lot and generally speaking all of the issues we have had have been either caused or made worse by me over thinking and guess what B is feeling or thinking or is about to do and getting it seriously wrong! Don’t get me wrong, B can be immature and a bit selfish at times … I am not to blame for everything! I just need to deal with my head better instead of causing my own issues. Maybe this will help and maybe it won’t but it is worth a try..
In saying all of this, we both believe that we have a good relationship – we agree fundamentally on key issues and we are working hard towards a shared future. We are supportive of each other’s achievements and failures and we value open and honest communication in all things. I can honestly say this is the best relationship I have ever had and that B always listens and tries to help when my head is playing up. I on the other hand can make things pretty terrible when the circumstances all contribute for a bad head day (or week!).
I have started this today in the wake of an argument that happened on Friday night – now the whole thing was over and done with Saturday morning and this row is only the 3rd we have had in our entire relationship. I am not saying we don’t disagree, we do… generally though these are silly tiffs that are over and done with in an hour or so. When we have argued it has been serious, like make or break (except it isn’t make or break… that is only in my head because B is has never felt like that and makes it clear even when we have argued that he isn’t going anywhere!) I think a lot of last weeks issues were compounded; B has been out of work for a few months which has been difficult financially but great from the point of view of spending time together. Last week B started back in a job doing night shifts which is well paid and is going to sort out a lot of our financial difficulties accrued during this period but will mean we have a lot less time together.
I am going to get quite personal now … not descriptive but certainly more that you might want to know! I understand if you don’t want to read further…
We have a very healthy sex life .. I feel having been in previous relationships where that hasn’t been the case; this is one of the things that works for us. Also, I would admit to having a higher than average sex drive (B has too so mostly this is all good). Lately however, things have cooled a bit in this area and it is one of the main bugs that get my head going. With the introduction of night shifts last week this became even more of an issue for me and I believe this was the major contributor to the argument.
So, we had a stupid argument about something pointless that would usually have been laughed about minutes later but because of the stress of the week and the lack of intimacy we ended up in a huge row where I am bringing up his ex girlfriend and being completely stupid. Now as I said; I am the one who throws in that I am leaving him at this point and he is the one standing looking at me and saying that I won’t be leaving and this argument will all be over as soon as I come over and kiss him. How can you not love that!
We have a discussion then (following a kiss, mutual apologies and a tickle because B believes that is how I get rid of my mood).. we maturely consider and review the reasons for the argument, we look at the fact that intimacy has been less and we agree a plan for this week.
I get how lucky I am … I am in the phone to my sister sometimes and she tells me about her soon to be ex husband and how he doesn’t do anything in the house, is emotionally cut off and generally just likes to make things difficult for her and I kick myself… B is none of those things to me. He is there for me and no matter how much my head is being awful, he listens and desperately tries to help (even when I am telling him that he has caused my upset – like because he is a man and I sometimes catch him looking at other girls .. god does he try hard now to not do this!).
Well I have to say, bizarrely this has helped me already because I can already see what I am doing wrong… I am probably going to update every few days and I will include other things that are happening in our lives but I hope you didn’t find this too boring. I get that the whole thing sounds pretty self involved but that is my purpose in writing this blog..